Zucchini Dreams, Bug-Fueled Nightmares
Zucchini Dreams, Bug-Fueled Nightmares
Zucchini might be known for its overproduction, but let’s talk about its real problem: squash bugs.
If you've never met a squash bug, picture a stink bug with a grudge. Now give it a gang, a deep hatred of cucurbit happiness, and the audacity to ruin your summer with the confidence of a pest that fears nothing. Not even the chickens will eat them.
It always starts the same: the zucchini plants are thriving, leaves wide and green, flowers blooming, your heart full of hope. You think, This is the year I finally win squash season.
Wrong.
Because just as you’re starting to imagine grilled zucchini drizzled in olive oil, you spot them: tiny copper eggs lined up like evil little Tic Tacs on the underside of a leaf. And you know. They’ve arrived.
Within days, those eggs hatch and your garden turns into a dystopian bug drama. The nymphs scatter like they’re on tiny motorcycles, and suddenly your plants are wilting for no reason. You water more. You whisper sweet encouragement. You get out the fish emulsion.
But the plants keep collapsing.
That’s when you find them—huddled in clusters on stems, hiding at the base, creeping around like they own the place. They stab the plant and suck the life right out. Zucchini, once prolific and cocky, now lays gasping under a blanket of chaos.
Your zucchini summer dreams? Devastated.
There is no fix. Squash bugs laugh in the face of any organic sprays. Row cover only works if you never let a squash bug within 100 feet of your garden in the first place (spoiler: you did). Your hands become your weapons. You become the squash bug bounty hunter, flipping leaves, collecting, whispering, “Not today, Satan,” as you flick them into soapy water. These days, I have resorted to skipping the drama and just hit them with a quick barrage from my flame torch—swift, satisfying, and mildly therapeutic.
It’s personal now.
And yet, we keep planting zucchini. We swear it off every year, but we always come back. Why? Because when it works, it’s glorious. Zucchini bread. Zucchini fritters. Zoodles. The blossoms. That smug satisfaction of growing a vegetable that usually grows too well.
So we square off with the squash bugs again. We sharpen our fingernails. We patrol the plants with the intensity of a bouncer at a very exclusive club.
Because this is war.
And we are not letting the bugs win.
Have you won a few battles and actually have some squash to enjoy? Congratulations, my fearless friend—fire up stove and savor the spoils.